Thursday, November 17, 2011

The real Irish presidential debate

A solar flare causes massive disruption to mobile phone networks, and widespread chaos. Among side effects that people have little time to worry about, the seven candidates in the Irish presidential election 2011 are stranded in a blacked out TV studio where they were preparing for a debate. With all transport and communications blocked they have no choice but to sit tight and wait.

Dana: Oh lord Jesus preserve us. Holy Mother of God pray for us.

Michael D: Stay calm. The power will come back on in a minute.

Dana: Hail Mary full of grace....

Gallagher: [turns on iPhone like a torch, simpers...] No signal.

McGuinness: Is there no windows in this place?

Mitchell: No.

Dana: Our Father who art in heaven...

Mitchell: Dana, would you ever give it a rest?

Michael D: There's no need for that, Gay.

Mitchell: You can go and fuck off as well. Which way is the door?

Director: Gentlemen, ladies, please sit tight, it's not safe to wander with the cables and equipment.

Davis: [screams] What was that?!

Gallagher: Sorry.

Dana: Hail holy queen...

Michael D: Ah Dana, will you shut up now?

McGuinness: Who's in charge here?

Mitchell: If we all hold hands we can support each other and try and find a way out.

Michael D: Like an elephant troupe. (I must make a note of that image.)

Gallagher: Fuck this for a game of cyards. I'm going.
[Loud crash, multiple items cascading]
Aah, owww, owww!

Director: Please sit tight!

Dana: Glory be to the F-

All: SHUT UP!

Michael D: Are you all right there, Sean?

[No answer]

Mitchell: And then there were six....

McGuinness: Well whenever we're stuck here we might as well get a few things straight. I've been subjected to harassment and unfair attacks here in this studio.

Norris: Martin, you think you've been harassed. I've gone through the trials of Oscar Wilde you know.

Mitchell: The two of ye deserve each other. Why don't you get a civil union and join your miseries. You'd think nobody else had ever suffered in their lives. ... If you's had been fed on nothing but Smash and sausages in Inchicore and had an oulfella leather you whenever he'd had a bad day in the cattle market, you'd know something about misery.

Dana: We were all ....

Norris: It wasn't all that different in the boarding school, except we had a few carrots and real potatoes. Oh and maybe a chop instead of a sausage. Missing your parents and crying in each other's arms every night. Made a man of you.

Dana: Spangles?

Michael D: Yes, Dana?

Dana: You know, we had Spangles.

Gallagher: [groans]

Davis: I thought Miriam went a bit berserk in the last debate. Really think RTE could do a bit better. With all the marvellous ladies I meet around Mount Merrion, why they have to bring in a mumsy lowbrow like her, I'm sure I don't know.

Michael D: To be fair to you Mary, you have a lovely turn of phrase. But I'd swap ten of you for one of Miriam, now, so I would.

Davis: You doddery old shite. God forgive me.

Dana: We used to...

McGuinness: I was down in Inchicore today and none of them had ever heard of you Gay. I asked some of them and they said 'd'ye not mean Gay Byrne, he never ran.' I had a pint with a fella there, quartermaster for the Dublin south east brigade, and he said you were best remembered as a thick who tried to bounce a rock. "Rocky"?

Mitchell: Fuckin' amazing, you never said "whenever I was down in Inchicore" ya moron.

Gallagher: [moans]

Michael D: Shush everyone, I want to hear what Dana has to say.

Dana: It doesn't matter now. When will the power come on? I've got the shakes. Something is frightening me, I don't know what. Has anyone else got a mobile phone on them? I left mine in the dressing room.

Norris: Here, Dana. I'll pull this barstool over beside you. Now, how's that?

Dana: [screams] Get away from me! Get away from me!

Norris: Jesus Christ almighty, Dana, what is the matter with you woman? You're a nervous wreck.

McGuinness: Sing us a song Dana.

Davis: Oh please God no.

Michael D: [sings] Nach mór an t'íonadh, os chomhair na ndaoine, a bhfheiscint sinnte ar gcúl a chinn...

Gallagher: [whimpers]

Mitchell: Holy sufferin lantern o' Jasus, will yous ever cop yourselves on. It's like a fuckin' wake here. Tell some dirty jokes or something. Here's one: If the answer is two dogs and a film star, what's the question?

Dana: [sings]
Ah! Sweet mystery of life
At last I've found thee
Ah! I know at last the secret of it all!

[The power comes back on revealing: ON AIR sign, cameraman in place, Mary Davis riding Gay Mitchell, David Norris with his tongue down Martin McGuinness's throat, Sean Gallagher on all fours with his head up Dana's skirt and Michael D with legs crossed, hair like Einstein and trousers sopping wet. Small audience, earlycomers, breaks into a round of applause.]

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Pain and the stars

Robert Mitchum's expression says, I have a little pain but it's nothing I can't handle.

Burt Lancaster says, I can bear it, I can bear it, how about you?

Mastroianni seems to say, I fear I might be next but I'll be ready for the day.

Paul Newman of course has heard about it, would like to talk about it, if you wish.

Steve McQueen is dead, died of pain, always looked like he would.

Which brings us to Kirk Douglas and all those other martyrs, well they got what they wanted.

But Eastwood, now he offers pain, you want it, (well do you punk?), there's plenty to go round.

Bogart is not really thinking about his own pain, his terrible pain, he only wants to ask about yours.

Edward G: I've got it, now you're going to get it.

Cagney thinks it's all the same, joy or pain, best get it while it's going.

Brando: What have you got, I'm hedging my bets but I'm thinking how can I get out of this before it hurts.

James Mason: Don't talk to me about pain, my back is killing me.

George Sanders is thinking, pain you say - we'll see about that.

There were women too, shrieking and tittering, they knew it served us right.

But that was all a long time ago.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Watching the defectives - GOP foreign policy debate



This video contains the entire debate, not just the first hour that was shown on TV. It's a beautiful quality video this time, by the way, even full screen.

It's worth listening to the logic of people like Gingrich, absolute moral bankruptcy: covert operations "all deniable". Deniable - why? A big question.

‎16:00 on: Huntsman is making great sense.

After 24:00 - Bachmann: "The table is being set for a nuclear war against Israel".

‎27:30-ish: Santorum has a good grasp of "real politik" (as they say).

Good for Ron Paul for standing up against torture against the other nincompoops. You've got to ask "What are you fighting for?" There's no point in fighting if you're offering the same prospectus as the enemy. Huntsman too. Good for him.

Every time Perry talks it's like "special needs time" and in saying that I feel it's demeaning to special needs people to even compare him to them. Oh well, he has no chance- hopefully.

About 47:00: Was that a bit of a sinister statement by Huntsman that of 500 million young people in China there are 80 million bloggers whose actions "will bring China down" and he gestured downwards, while the US goes up (gestures). I don't understand exactly what he means by that. Does he mean that democratic reform in China would bring China down?

59:00 - Cain's logic is "Anyone we torture is a terrorist". Wait till it's your son or daughter.

‎61:00 - I'm with Ron Paul on lawlessness and legality. The crowd sounds nervous, which is a good sign.

70:00 - Bachmann wants to copy China's lack of social security. "China is growing". So if you want to be ants in an ant colony, vote for Bachmann.

75:00 - Santorum "You don't cowboy this one." Made sense in context (responding to hijack of a nuclear weapon in Pakistan and he meant just sending in special ops troops by helicopter etc.)

‎77:00 - Huntsman very authoritative on the "loose nuke" question.

That's it. I will be a world authority on the policies of the candidates soon. I still predict a Romney / Huntsman ticket. However, the winner doesn't always pick a running mate from the other candidates. It happened last time but it's not a given. I was wondering if I could get a bet on that pairing, probably longer odds than the individual candidate, so I checked on William Hill .com and you might be interested in the odds they offer at present. Here you go:
2/5 Mitt Romney
6/1 Newt Gingrich
8/1 Herman Cain
10/1 Rick Perry
20/1 Ron Paul
28/1 Jon Huntsman
100/1 Rudy Giuliani
100/1 Michele Bachmann

"Others on request". They don't even quote Santorum - and where did Giuliani come from - is he even in it? A lot of money on Romney, obviously.